5 Steps to Rediscover Self-Kindness

Posted On May 1, 2017


by Nancy Wunderlich

5 Steps to Rediscover Self-Kindness

by | May 1, 2017 | Self-Help Toolkit

In our journey through life, we all encounter moments where we make mistakes, feel embarrassed, or stumble on the path of self-doubt. It’s entirely human to spill a drink, experience an unexpected fall in public, battle stage fright, or unintentionally insult someone at work. In such instances, it’s perfectly normal to feel a fleeting sense of embarrassment or frustration. A healthy individual can swiftly let go of these emotions, perhaps even making a light-hearted joke, sharing a laugh, and moving on. However, if you find yourself dwelling on your imperfections for days, engaging in self-deprecating self-talk, and suffering restless nights filled with self-criticism, you’re caught in the grip of an unhealthy pattern.

From Self-Criticism to Self-Kindness

Persistent self-criticism often signifies low self-esteem, a negative self-image, and the burden of perfectionism. People grappling with anxiety and depression may find themselves more susceptible to self-criticism. In some cases, it can also be a symptom of an identity disturbance, hinting at the presence of a personality disorder. If left unchecked, this harmful internal dialogue can escalate into more severe forms of self-harm. Regardless of the root cause, there are steps you can take to regain control of this destructive inner monologue and nurture self-compassion.

1. Catch Yourself in the Act

They say the first step to solving a problem is recognizing that there is one. Many individuals trapped in a cycle of constant self-criticism are unaware of the extent of their self-destructive thoughts. Once you acknowledge the presence of this negative inner voice, cultivate mindfulness to monitor your thoughts actively. You might be surprised by how frequently you engage in self-deprecating self-talk.

2. Reflect on the Origin

Compile a list of your most common self-criticisms. Then, select one from the list and trace its origins. When was the first time you heard a similar insult from someone else? For instance, if one of your self-criticisms is “I’m a failure,” you might recall a childhood memory of losing a game and being labeled a “failure” by an older sibling whose opinion held significant weight. Alternatively, you might remember an emotionally abusive past partner who frequently called you “ugly,” and now that cruel remark echoes in your mind like a broken record.

It’s essential to remember that when someone hurls insults at us, they often do so because they harbor those negative beliefs about themselves. Once you identify the source of your self-doubts, you can metaphorically “return the burden” to the person who placed it on your shoulders.

3. Step Outside Yourself for a Moment

When you catch yourself engaging in self-criticism, try to “step outside yourself.” Imagine if it were your deaest friend uttering these harsh words about themselves. As a caring friend, what would you say to comfort and uplift them? Now, direct those same words of kindness and support toward yourself. Initially, it may feel somewhat artificial to “be your own best friend.” Nevertheless, research suggests that visualizing ourselves as someone who loves us can aid in cultivating genuine self-love.

4. Repeat Positive Affirmations

Positive affirmations are concise, empowering statements that you repeat to yourself. The rhythmic repetition of affirmations like “I am worthy” or “I am the creator of my reality” can have a hypnotic effect, gradually convincing you that things will improve, even in the face of adversity. Research shows that positive affirmations can induce a sense of calm and contribute to long-term success.

5. Cultivate Persistence and Patience

If you falter and find yourself succumbing to self-criticism once more, do not berate yourself further. Changing any habit is challenging, and self-compassion extends to your journey toward self-love. Understand that it takes time for your emotions to align with your newfound wisdom. Above all, be cautious not to let your quest for self-kindness become yet another reason for self-criticism. If you don’t immediately feel or witness a change, do not lose faith in yourself—believe in your capacity to evolve.

In life, moments of self-doubt and self-criticism can be all too familiar. However, there is no need for you to be your own harshest critic. By incorporating the strategies outlined above, you can begin to perceive yourself with fresh eyes and speak to yourself with the kindness you inherently deserve.

Written by: Nancy Wunderlich

Nancy received her Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology at DePaul University in Chicago, IL. She was instinctively drawn to advanced studies in Transpersonal Psychology, the power of intentional thought, shamanism, experiential process work, and the psychology of emotional intelligence.

Suggested Posts

For Further Reading…



Submit a Comment





4665 Nautilus Court S. 

Suite 100

Boulder, Colorado 80301

Life Coaching